


Nuvole Bianche

by Nelsonnox



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Eddie Diaz is Bad at Feelings (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley Needs A Hug, Firefam Feels, Getting Together, Guilty Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Suicide Attempt, and therapy, stubborn assholes all around
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-28
Updated: 2020-07-28
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:08:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25577821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nelsonnox/pseuds/Nelsonnox
Summary: Buck knows he fucked up with the lawsuit. He copes with the consequences excellently until he doesn't.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 13
Kudos: 191





	Nuvole Bianche

The apartment building was on fire and as always 118 were there as soon as the siren rang. There was smoke everywhere, people were running out but it didn’t seem like the building was collapsing yet. A woman ran towards Buck and pointed at the 4th floor window.

“Help, please help, my daughter is still in there! I just went to the drug store, she’s only ten, please somebody help!”

Tears were streaming down her face and she looked like she was about to collapse.

“I’m on it.”

Buck ran towards the building. He saw the staircase right in front of him and quickly ascended to the fourth floor. He checked one door after the other but nobody was there. He got to the final door at the end of the hallway. It was wide open so he entered. That’s when he noticed a small figure, completely still and looking through the window.

“Hi, my name is Buck, I’m a firefighter and I’m here to get you somewhere safe. Don’t be scared. Your mom is waiting for you downstairs. Come on.”

He tried to stay as calm as possible so he wouldn’t startle the girl. She turned around and Buck stared in shock. It was a little girl alright, but with hollow cheeks, bags under her eyes and covered in soot. Her hair was wet and her walk wobbly as she slowly approached him.

“You do not belong.”

Her voice was ominous, her whole appearance even more exaggerated by the fact that she wasn’t blinking. 

“Why are you here? You are not a firefighter. You do not belong.”

Buck looked down on himself, all of his protective gear was suddenly gone. He stood before the girl in a thin shirt and shorts. He stepped backwards. The flames grew stronger and he could feel their heat on his skin. It burned and the girl was still approaching.

“How could they send you, when you can’t even save yourself?”

He hit the staircase railing with his back. There was nowhere else to go. His heart was beating too fast, the fire was burning his skin and the girl, with arms extended in font of her jumped.

...

He startled awake, covered in cold sweat, tangled in way too many blankets with the feeling of burning flesh still at the forefront of his mind. He wanted to get out but his limbs felt heavy, like he was trapped under a pile of rubble, unable to get up. Everything that happened came back to him and the chilling realization that the little girl was right cut like a knife, right to his heart. He was useless, completely alone and all of it was his own fault.

Sitting up he took notice of his state, drenched in sweat and completely disgusting yet he couldn’t gather the energy to get up. Dread started to fill every part of his body, all of the bad decisions he made that lead him to this very moment dancing in front of his eyes like a bad movie, mocking him.

He was technically back on the job, but it didn’t feel like he was part of the team. It felt like he was on the outside looking in. They were all still there, just like before, a well oiled machine, always working in sync with every call that came in, while he was put on the sidelines. That wasn’t even the thing that bothered him. In retrospect he now knew he did the stupidest possible thing by dragging everyone through the lawsuit and that he deserved to be treated like he was. He was ready for that. He was ready for the hard work that would be thrown his way.

What he wasn’t ready for was the indifference with which his team, his family treated him since he got there. Almost like he wasn’t in the room, they spoke to him out of bare necessity and whatever try to develop a conversation any further was swiftly shut down. Eddie, his (former) best friend went the furthest, leaving the room as soon as he stepped in, turning away as soon as he possibly could, barely even acknowledging his existence. Buck could take it. At least he was telling himself he could take it. But as days turned into weeks, his resolve started to crumble. Hope, that as long as he gets through his punishment, everything will be ok slowly started to get replaced by an unshakable feeling of despair.

He liked to think he wasn't stupid, he knew what was going on. But when everyone you thought were your family suddenly abandoned you, trying and working through things just seemed like too much effort. He tried talking to Maddie of course. She told him everything will get back to normal, that she is there for him if he needs her and to hang on. She didn't understand though. Not really. She had her own life and she was finally happy, she didn't need his baggage to drag her down. Not after everything she went through. She had enough suffering for one lifetime and he certainly didn't want to be the one person who adds to it.

Buck knew, rationally, that what he just went through was just a dream, the feelings left behind by it however, were entirely to real. The straw that broke the camel's back.

…

If someone was to see him, it would look like he was in a trance. Sleepwalking. His shirt and shorts sticky, his hair still plastered to his forehead, a marionette with a couple of broken strings walking shakily towards the bathroom. He turned on the shower, he was still on blood thinners anyway, but it seemed appropriate. The razors were he always left them, he took one out , put it on the counter and smashed it with the soap dispenser. The plastic casing gave easily. 

Picking out the least destroyed blade, he sat under the spray. He got himself in this mess and he’ll finally get himself out of it. There is nothing left. No one left. Buck grit his teeth and slashed over his forearm. The effect was instantaneous, at first a slow trickle, a steady stream after a few moments. It was fascinating in a morbid kind of way. His clothes were stained a weird blotchy kind of pink and it took more and more effort to keep that one torn spot on his shirt in focus. Trying seemed pointless so he closed his eyes.

He could hear the splashing of water, but other than that his apartment was completely quiet. Buck didn’t know how much time passed, but he could no longer get up even if he wanted to. He could hear a door slamming shut somewhere. Probably a neighbour leaving for work, another testament that the world will keep on turning.

Something wasn’t quite right though, but he couldn’t quite put a finger on it. There was a voice, calling, and it seemed to be getting closer. It didn’t matter anyway, he could feel the darkness starting to creep up.

A crash.

A louder voice.

Hands on his face.

**Author's Note:**

> Loosely inspired by the text of Nuvole bianche (which is also an absolutely beautiful piano piece) and a 10 year anniversary of a thing. I basically took a couple of fictional characters and tried to use them to finally work through some stuff. Should be 3 chapters, next one from Eddie's POV, I'll update the tags and everything as I go.


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